Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100. "What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?" Send this joke to a friend 1 OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Send this joke to a friend 2 A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep. Send this joke to a friend 3 A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." Send this joke to a friend 4 USENET Parody No no, the question is: How many USENET posters does it take to change a lightbulb? A1. Define "change" A2. How do you know the lightbulb is out? A3. Don't use the word "posters" to describe us, it's offensive to large sheets of papers with pictures on them which hang on walls. A4. That question is not appropriate for this group, please take it elsewhere. A5. I think it's perfectly appropriate, this is alt.fan.lightbulbs. A6. Well, that's because you're a twit. A7. Who are you calling a "twit"? Besides, you spelled "twit" wrong. A8. Oh? And how exactly do *you* spell "twit", twit? A9. Could you two take this to e-mail? Doesn't anyone want to talk about lightbulb fans instead of flaming? A10. You're a twit also, who died and made you net.cop? A11. Look, all of you, take it to alt.flame or e-mail or something. A12. Hey, USENET is an anarchy, you have no right to tell them what to post or not post. A13. Speaking of anarchists, why don't you all vote for Andre Marrou, Libertarian Party Candidate for President? A14. Because the Libertarians are all twits. A15. Waitaminit! Now we're arguing politics on alt.fan.lightbulb???? A16. Stop wasting bandwidth with this stuff! A17. What "stuff" pray tell? A18. Yikes! It's dark in here! A19. Define "dark". A20. I mean the lightbulb must be out. A21. So change it. A22. Define "change"... Send this joke to a friend 5
