A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had growen tired of working so hard
to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it.  So he thought it
would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and
on the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for the
nearest train station.  After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags into
the wagon and then headed for thier honeymoon home. They had traveled only two
miles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse to
its feet. He looked at the horse and said "THATS ONE" and got back in the wagon
smiled at the woman and continued on thier way.  They traveled only another two
miles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagon
to whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse "THATS TWO".  He took his seat
beside his new bride and continued on thier way.  After traveling another two
miles the horse stumbled for the third time.  The rancher got out of the wagon
carrying his rifle, he walk up to the horse and shot it right between the eyes,
saying"THATS THREE". He turn to the wagon only to hear his new bride say "why
in the hell did you do that for, now we have to walk".  The rancher turn to the
woman and said "THATS ONE".



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1 


One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the most important and I
should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick
anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important
and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for
the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move
anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in
charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do
anything!  You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up.  After a few days, the legs were all
wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,
the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and
agreed to put the rectum in charge.

Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be
in charge, just an a - - hole.



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2 


While attending a spelling session in school one day,
The teacher asked if anyone could spell the word DUMB?
Darla raises her hand and says "I can, I can"
The teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla..."
Darla replies..."D-U-M-B"
The teacher replies, "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"
Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very DUMB."
The teacher replies, "OK, well can anyone spell the word STUPID?"
Again, Darla raises her hand, and the teacher replies, "OK, go ahead Darla."
Darla replies, "S-T-U-P-I-D"
The teacher replies "very good", and "can you use that word in a sentence?"
Darla replies, "Sure, Buckwheat is very STUPID."
The teacher replies, "OK, well lets continue,  can anyone spell the word DICTATE?"
No one raises their hand, so the teacher asks Buckwheat if he can spell
the word DICTATE?
Buckwheat replies, "Sure,    D-I-C-T-A-T-E"
The teacher replies, "very good Buckwheat," and "can you use that word
in a sentence?"
Buckwheat replies, "Sure I can."     
"I may be DUMB and I may be STUPID, but Darla says my DICTATE good."



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3 


An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly.  Another flash.  He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed.  Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he discovered three traffic tickets:

Each for not wearing a seat belt!



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4 


When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed
experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a
demagogue.
        When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil
empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook.
        When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by
escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear
annihilation.
        When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated
its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan
had nothing to do with it.
        Because if that fool Reagan was right all along...
        ...what kind of fool am I?
        --Jules Feiffer



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5