"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor. "You didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!" Send this joke to a friend 1 A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "what do you mean almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!" Send this joke to a friend 2 A MAN'S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work". 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car. 7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands. 8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas. 9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas. 10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep. 11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass gas. Send this joke to a friend 3 Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- Mart." The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!" Send this joke to a friend 4 She said, "Kiss me doctor!" Doctor said, "I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be fucking you." Send this joke to a friend 5
