There was an old soldier named Schmitt 
               Took a trip to the can for to shit. 
                    To his epic despair 
                    No paper was there. 
               So he simply continued to sit. 



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1 



               There was a young colonel from Trent 
               Who lived in a lavender tent. 
                    He said that some sessions 
                    With interesting Hessians 
               Had taught him what war really meant. 



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2 


By a cozy peat fire in O'Dell, 
               Sat a Scot and a Mick, I hear tell. 
                    "I'm full," cried O'Brien. 
                    Said McLoed,"Well, I'm buyin'." 
               Sure and now, that's a cold day in hell. 



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3 



               Under the spreading chestnut tree 
               The village smith he sat, 
                    Amusing himself 
                    By abusing himself 
               And catching the load in his hat. 



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4 



               There was a young lady named Astor 
               Who never let any get past her. 
                    She finally got plenty 
                    By stopping twenty, 
               Which certainly ought to last her. 



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5