The Speed of Time by Age 0-9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas yet?" 10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings. 20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet paychecks seem further and further apart. 30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?" 40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be slowing down? 60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59? 70 + Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like they're over in a couple weeks. Send this joke to a friend 1 Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time." "Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!" "OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?" Send this joke to a friend 2 A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was in line behind you at McDonalds." Send this joke to a friend 3 Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals Objectionable Methods By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995 TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257 BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess... DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. JUDGE: To what? DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up. PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also have no objections at this time. DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some- thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something. PROSECUTION: The people do not. DEFENSE: Do too. PROSECUTION: Do not. DEFENSE: Do too. DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty! JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed. PROSECUTION: Where were we? JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on "Do not." PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not. DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F. Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr. PROSECUTION: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe that that is not really F. Lee Bailey. (A murmer runs through the courtroom.) JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the murmers removed from this courtroom! BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir. PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly ever SAYS anything? He just sits there, day after day, not moving. The people request permission to stick him with a pin. JUDGE: I'll allow it. F. LEE BAILEY: sssssssssssss JUDGE: Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflat- able doll wearing a $1,000 suit. DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. That suit cost $1,500. JUDGE WAPNER: Do you have a receipt? DEFENSE: Objection! This judge is from a completely different TV show! JUDGE: I'll sustain the objection. DEFENSE: Which one? JUDGE: I have no idea. Let's proceed with the expert witness. PROSECUTION (to witness): Please state your name and the size of your book advance. EXPERT WITNESS: My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is $350,000. PROSECUTION: And who will be playing you in the movie version? EXPERT WITNESS: We are thinking Brad Pitt. DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. We were thinking of Brad Pitt to play us. PROSECUTION: Brad Pitt? YOU? Your honor, the people request permis- sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils. DEFENSE (sarcastically): And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be played by Demi Moore? PROSECUTION: Sharon Stone. JUDGE: I'll allow it. Proceed. PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not? EXPERT WITNESS: I am. PROSECUTION: And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this way, or the way the people wore it before? EXPERT WITNESS: This way. JUDGE: What about my beard? EXPERT WITNESS: With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more impressive facial hair on a coconut. (Laughter.) JUDGE (angrily): Bailiff! Where is that laughter coming from? BAILIFF: From inside a set of parentheses. JUDGE: I'll allow it. Continue. PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can you identify this item for the court? EXPERT WITNESS (examining it): Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging to the defendant. DEFENSE: Objection! We can't see the exhibit! PROSECUTION: Of COURSE you can't, you idiot. It's a MOLECULE. EXPERT WITNESS: Or a poppy seed. There's a 73 per cent chance either way. PROSECUTION: Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert words, what "DNA" stands for? EXPERT WITNESS: Yes. PROSECUTION: I see. Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or poppy seed at the scene of the... EXPERT WITNESS: Tell WHAT jury? JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! The jury escaped again! (Another murmer runs through the court.) GUN: BANG! BAILIFF: I got the murmer, your honor! DEFENSE: Objection! The bailiff shot a reporter for The National Enquirer. JUDGE: I'll allow it. PROSECUTION: Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions. JUDGE: Of course. DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. As counsel for the defendant, we cannot... JUDGE: Hey! Where's the defendant? Send this joke to a friend 4 Condom Modelling Rejection TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY 6969 Slippery Root Drive Droptrouser, NC 22269 Dear John Doe, We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic. We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip. We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms. We send greetings and our deepest sympathy. Yours very truly, Burley Dick, President TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC. VD/abc P.S. Remember our slogans: Cover your stump before you hump. Don't be silly, protect your Willie. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it! Send this joke to a friend 5
