Why are girls like pianos?

When they're not upright, they're grand...



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1 



   The Hat

   An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.
   Instead of buying a
   new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the
   vestibule. When he
   got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew
   where he had to sit
   and listen to the entiresermon on "The Ten Commandments." After
   church, the man met
   the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and
   told him "I want to
   thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal
   a hat and after
   hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."
   Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your
   mind?"
   Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did.
   As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"
   




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2 


What did cinderella do when she got to the ball???

She choked...



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3 



   Cold Hands

   There's an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she
   say's "my hands are
   really cold, how can I warm them up?" Her mother say's "Put them
   between your legs,
   that will warm them up." So she does, and her mother was right. The
   next day the girl is
   riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are
   cold, so the girl say's,
   "Put them between my legs, that will warm them up." So he does, and
   his hands get
   warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy.
   The day after that
   he say's "My dick is really cold" and the girl says, "Put it between
   my legs and warm it
   up." So he does. She's talking to her mother the next day and she
   asks, "Mom have you
   ever heard of a penis?" Her mother says, "Yes, why do you ask?" She
   says I don't know
   what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!
   




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4 


What's the difference between white onions, brown onions and a 30 centimeter
dick?

Nothing....  They all make your eyes water.



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5