The Hazards of Kicking the Cat
   There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day
   doing his chores. He
   was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the
   yard. He was feeding
   the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He
   was milking the cow
   and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it,
   too. His mom had been
   watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork
   for a month
   because he was a mean little bastard. She told him to wait 'til his
   dad got home. His dad
   came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked
   that cat across the
   room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to
   tell him or am I?"
   




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1 


A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of
draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the
examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went
as follows:

D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.
L: ?eh?
D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!
L: ??EH??
D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!
L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....




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2 


Why do they bury lawers 26 feet underground?

Because deep down, they are really nice guys. 



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3 



   A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the
   mental abilities of
   their wives. The Canadian says, "You know my wife must be the most
   stupid woman in
   the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of
   meat, and we don't
   even have a freezer! The Scotsman says, "That's nothing! My wife went
   out last week
   and bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she can't even drive! Not to
   be out done, the
   Aussie says, "My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left
   for a two week holiday
   in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even have a
   penis!"
   




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4 


Question: What is 1 + 2 ?

Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures,
you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.

Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.

Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.



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5