A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named "Clint", and
   bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to
   Clint, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a
   day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first
   wish?"
   Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. Clint
   grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on
   the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back
   with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee
   with Clint.
   The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can
   only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What your
   wish today?"
   Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his
   horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the
   horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse
   comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee
   with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical
   white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."
   The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white
   man. What you want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse again." The
   Indians bring him his horse.
   Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read
   my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"




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1 



    As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming
   as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for
   months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn,
   etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No
   dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not
   tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).All went well for
   months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a
   rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the
   father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching
   at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit.
   He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord
   threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and
   punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his
   dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden
   area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed
   home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let
   the dog out.
   Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the
   house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog.
   Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to
   face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into
   his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he
   was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage.
   Natural causes, right? Nothing happened.
   After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one
   morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck. "We're
   moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighborhood." "Why? What
   happened?" replied Chuck. The neighbor replied: "Some sick bastard dug
   up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put
   it back in its cage."




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2 



    A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster
   for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster
   and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
   The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at
   what it did to me!"
   The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this.
   Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a
   hike."
   The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens
   over in the corner. I won't bother you."
   The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking
   over!"
   So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young
   rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you
   around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken
   coop."
   The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just
   to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
   They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!"
   and the old rooster takes off running.
   About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
   They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only
   about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
   The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on,
   grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits.
   He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
   this week!"




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3 



    THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST
   (Long but VERY Funny!)
   Monday
   ------
   8:05am
   User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password
   retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and
   hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too?
   8:12am
   Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
   database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works
   for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from
   the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again.
   One more happy customer...
   8:14 am
   User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
   Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
   microsupport.
   11:00 am
   Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back
   in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this
   weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down
   in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are
   this weekend!
   11:34 am
   Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed
   on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access
   database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so
   performance reviews are sent to */US.
   12:00 pm
   Lunch
   3:30 pm
   Return from lunch.
   3:55 pm
   Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
   reason. Return to napping.
   4:23 pm
   Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask
   them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they
   find out.
   4:55 pm
   Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift
   has something to do.
   Tuesday
   -------
   8:30 am
   Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible
   time with Save/Replication conflicts.
   9:00 am
   Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
   PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Could you put
   something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support
   lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
   9:35 pm
   Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need
   form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell
   them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such
   a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
   10:00 am
   Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell
   her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital
   status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for
   Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell
   her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last
   week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally
   deliver ID to her apartment.
   10:07 am
   Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
   Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I
   grab a smoke.
   1:00 pm
   Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
   transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
   1:05 pm
   Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor
   tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running
   in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
   1:15 pm
   Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
   form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix
   it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
   1:20 pm
   Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
   "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over
   industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."
   Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and
   hangs up.
   2:00 pm
   Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in
   her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably
   fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the
   airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for
   her while she does that.
   2:49 pm
   Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
   Wednesday
   ---------
   8:30 am
   Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
   Tell them of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not
   "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
   9:10am
   Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
   10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support
   manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about
   to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
   10:00 am
   Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
   manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
   lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world
   countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
   if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
   databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
   in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he
   reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
   10:30 am
   Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate
   PBX system sometime.
   11:00 am
   Lunch.
   4:55 pm
   Return from lunch.
   5:00 pm
   Shift change; Going home.
   Thursday
   --------
   8:00 am
   New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him
   server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM
   PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both
   monochrome and color.
   8:45 am
   New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him.
   Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
   9:30 am
   Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments.
   Is this guy great or what?!
   11:00 am
   Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of
   sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is
   down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and
   plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
   11:55 am
   Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee
   beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with
   said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and
   relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point
   to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so
   myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell
   to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
   1:00 pm
   Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
   4:30 pm
   Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
   5:00 pm
   Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing
   the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
   Friday
   ------
   8:00 am
   Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told
   them it worked fine before I left.
   9:00 am
   Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls
   myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
   9:02 am
   Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the
   Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call
   Telecommunications.
   9:30 am
   Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and
   can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a
   two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two
   hours.
   10:17 am
   Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to
   set server ahead three hours.
   11:00 am
   E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on
   their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
   11:20 am
   Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
   11:23 am
   Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
   11:25 am
   Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to
   get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment
   with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in
   on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
   11:30 am
   Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
   meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell
   him.
   12:00 am
   Lunch.
   1:00 pm
   Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
   them fast.
   1:03 pm
   Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
   2:30 pm
   Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm
   appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
   2:39 pm
   New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
   document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.
   Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
   2:50 pm
   Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
   appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if
   he's seen corporate Web page lately.
   3:00 pm
   Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest
   they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them
   document addendum which says so.
   4:00 pm
   Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set
   point size to "2" in help databases.
   4:30 pm
   User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to
   go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then
   refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
   4:45 pm
   Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them
   I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
   4:58 pm
   Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too)
   much.
   5:00 pm
   Night shift shows up. Tell them the hub is acting funny and to have a
   good weekend.




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4 


WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff
   v.s.
   THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant
   In the United States District Court,
   Southwestern District,
   Tempe, Arizona
   Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
   Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous
   states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company,
   manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise,
   incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district
   and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries,
   loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct
   result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under
   Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072,
   subsection (a), relating to product liability.
   Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has
   purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that
   company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him
   bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary
   labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are
   at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such
   injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his
   ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is
   self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation.
   Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via
   parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to
   use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of
   the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate
   and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr.
   Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such
   sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a
   length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot
   forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and
   neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.
   Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing
   jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote
   abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered
   sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this
   maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and
   a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the
   unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into
   collision with the side of a mesa.
   Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B),
   prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple
   fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a
   result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full
   bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full
   or partial casts on all four legs.
   Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to
   support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an
   aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use
   this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably
   similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant
   sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached
   powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with
   little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy
   casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after
   strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently
   as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
   Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this
   document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the
   Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided
   Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order
   Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as
   Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive
   purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.
   To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal
   effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a
   wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward
   around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert
   floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical
   explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly
   down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed
   a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the
   spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the
   butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr.
   Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned
   down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
   In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to
   naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in
   the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
   1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
   2. Sooty discoloration.
   3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in
   the aftershock with a creaking noise.
   4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking,
   frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
   5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
   We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
   these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.
   Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories
   of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to
   date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and
   extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is
   simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to
   milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a
   tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release.
   Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon
   his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are
   at a premium.
   To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote
   affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent
   to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to
   frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals
   and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the
   lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed
   appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped
   near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension.
   Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the
   lanyard release.
   At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote
   forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown,
   the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote.
   As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in
   air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent
   feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and
   forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
   The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
   Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed.
   The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to
   bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs
   adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact
   with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or
   both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one,
   this process continued for some time.
   A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.
   Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the
   tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
   vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a
   vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr.
   Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr.
   Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he
   walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step.
   The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a
   major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
   As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
   manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our
   contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the
   detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching
   powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and
   two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust
   Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of
   supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners
   in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a
   giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most
   reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.
   Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
   economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of
   seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual
   damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional
   occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering,
   injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees
   of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages:
   thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By
   awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure
   Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and
   assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right
   of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.




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5