Here I sit Broken hearted Tried to shit But only farted Send this poem to a friend 1 Here I lie in stinky vapor, Because some bastard stole the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be forced to use my finger. Send this poem to a friend 2 THE CREATION OF A VAGINA Seven wise men with knowledge so fine Created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, smart with wit, Using a knife, he gave it a slit. Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole. Third was a tailor, tall and thin, By using red velvet, he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, He threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee, He touched it and blessed it and said it could pee. Last came a sailor, a dirty little runt, He sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt Send this poem to a friend 3 I love you, You love me, Homosexuality, People say that we're just friends, But we are really Lesbians. Send this poem to a friend 4 A Redneck's Ode to Valentines Day! Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's And without all them fleas. You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales But I luv you anyway. You're as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When we're in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta wits. And speakin' of wits, You've got plenty fer shore. 'Cuz you married me Back in '74. Still them fellers at work They all want to know, What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape Yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles And stick 'em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd. When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack. Yore complexion, it's perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin'. Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin'. And when you get old Like a '67 Chevy, Won't put you on blocks And let grass grow up heavy. Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank, We go together Like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine's Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, It's romantic that way. Some men git roses On that special day From the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," They explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You sweet thang you. I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds it's a new trollin' motor. Send this poem to a friend 5
