How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow- ing agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina- tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be- tween the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore- mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm". Send this joke to a friend 1 Hmmm? What if Mother Goose had tendencies and propensities toward verbosity and prolixity? Jack becomes dexterous, Jack becomes able to attain high velocity, Jack forms a trajectory over the illuminating apparatus of ozocitereous structure. Mary was formerly the owner and proprietor of a pygmy Ovis aries, It possessed an outer wool covering which had the characteristic pallidness much like that found in the appearance of crystalline precipitation, And to each point in space that Mary would venture to, The aforementioned Ovis aries would participate with a high degree of certainty. Diminutive Jack Horner Was seated at the perpendicular conjunction of three planar surfaces, Ingesting his baked Yuletide pastry. He inserted his opposable digit, And excavated a specimen of genus Prunus, And remarked, "What a benevolent adolescent I have become!" Lilliputian damsel Muffet Was rested upon a squatty seating apparatus, Ingesting the lacteal substances in her possession. At this point arrived an arachnid Which inhabited the immediate vicinity of the maiden, And, true to the fundamental principles of stimulus and response, arose trepidation in the damsel with sufficient efficiency so as to induce the aforementioned maiden to change locale. Send this joke to a friend 2 Mac vs. Etch-a-Sketch: You Decide __________ | ______ | ________ | | | | | ______ | 'But that isn't a fair | | | | || || comparison. People | |______| | ||______|| like the Etch-A-Sketch.' | | | o o | | _ _ _ _ _| |________| (|__________|\ | ________)_ Roger Earl [^] | | roger_earl@outbound.wimsey.bc.ca [_] |__________| After admiring the above signature I thought I'd post a comparison, similar to the other great computer wars. Etch-A-Sketch Mac Classic No. of Colours 2 2 Resolution ~2000*~2000 512 * 342 No. of buttons 2 1 Preemptive Multitasking Yes No Hardware line draw Yes No Price < $20 ~ $1000 Power Consumption No Yes Laptop Yes No Slow Operating System No Yes Non Volatile Memory Yes No Choice of Coloured box Yes No Robust design (shakeable) Yes No After considering the above options, I decided to buy the Etch-A-Sketch. For all you die-hard Amiga fanatics out there rumour has it that the Etch-A-Sketch-Emulator is coming out for the Amiga, and will in fact be faster than the true E-A-S. Send this joke to a friend 3 A Short History of Medicine I have an earache... 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root. Send this joke to a friend 4 Democrats V. Republicans What it all boils down to ISSUE | DEMOCRATS | REPUBLICANS ------------------------------------------------------------------- criminals | Give them a second | Give them the swift | chance | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- the poor | Give them some food | Give them the swift | | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- endangered | give them protection | Give them the swift species | | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- dictators | give them a way out | Give them the swift | | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- the uninsured | Give them some | Given them the swift | health care | sword of death ------------------------------------------------------------------- the cost | $9,000,000,000, | $29.95 | 000,000,000 | (cost of one sword) ------------------------------------------------------------------- Send this joke to a friend 5
