Application to Live in Kentucky Name:__________________________ Nickname:_________________________________ CB Handle Model:_____________________ Color:______________ Address (RFD No.):_________________--_____________________________________ Daddy (If unknown, list 3 suspects):______________________________________ Mamma:_________________________ Neck Shade: _____Light Red _____Medium Red _____Dark Red Number of teeth exposed in full grin: Upper_____ Lower_____ Name of Pickup owned:_______________ Height of Truck__________ Truck equipped with: ____Gun Rack ____4-Wheel Drive ____Confederate Flag ____8-Track Cassettes ____Load of Wood ____Hijacker Shocks ____Radar Detector ____Mag Wheels ____Dual CB Antennas ____Spittoon ____Camper Top ____Air Horns ____Mud Flaps ____Toothpick Holder ____Mud-Grip Tires ____Raccoon Hide ____Big Dog ____Hunting Rifle Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup truck:_____ BUMPER STICKERS: ____Eat more Possum ____My other car is a piece of shit too ____Honk if you love Jesus ____If you ain't a cowboy you aint shit ____Redman Chewing Tobacco ____Wave if you're horny ____Don't Like My Driving? Dial 1-800-Eat-Shit ____If You Can Read This, Then You's Too Smart For Kentucky ____I Brake For Nuthin' ____National Rifle Association Define the following (must be 90% correct): 1. Grits 6. Sawmill Gravy 11. Cobbler 16. Tater 2. Goobers 7. Turnip Salad 12. Fatback 17. Pig Skins 3. Pinto Beans 8. Shit-on-a-Shingle 13. Tote 18. Okrie 4. Collards 9. Redeye Gravy 14. Chickin'Fry 19. Shonuf 5. Sidemeat 10. Soppin' Syrup 15. Poke 20. Chitlins Favorite Vocalist: ____Reba McEntire ____Conway Twitty ____Loretta Lynn ____Hank Williams Jr. ____Randy Travis ____Ray Wylie Hubbard ____Tammy Wynette ____Slim Whitman ____Porter Wagoner ____Willie Nelson ____George Jones ____Box Car Willie Favorite Recreation: ____Square Dancin' ____Possum Huntin' ____Skinny Dippin' ____Craw Daddin' ____Gospel Singin' ____4-Wheelin' ____Drankin' ____Spittin' Backy ____Bill Chip Throwin' ____Honky Tonkin' ____Noodlin' ____Other Name of Son(s): ____Bubba ____Jim Bob ____LeeRoy ____J.D. ____Bill Lee____Bob Lee ____Duke Name of Daughter(s): ____PammySue ____Violet ____Paulette ____Daisy Weapons Owned: ___Deer Rifle ___Sawed-Off Shotgun ___Varmit Rifle ___Log Cabin ___Tire Iron ___Power Chain Saw ___Pick Handle ___Hick'ry Switch Number of Dogs:____ Type: ___Blue Tick ___Beagle ___Black & Tan ___Bird Dawg Cap Emblem: ___John Deer ___McCullock Chain Saws ___Budweiser ___Vo-Tech ___Skoal ___Coors ___NAPA ___Smile if You're Not Wearing Underwear ___N.R.A. ___Redman ____Kodiak Number of Dependends: Legal:________ Claimed:_________ Number of Weeks Unemployed:__________ Number of Welfare Checks Received:____________ Memberships: ___KKK ___NRA ___Moose ___PTL Club ___AA ___Bass Club ___VFW ___Quiltin' Bee ___American Legion ___United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy ___John Birch Society Length of Right leg:________ Length of Left leg:__________ Number of Testicles Shot off in 'Nam____ Number of Testicles Left____ Does your truck contain some part painted the offical state color of Primer Red? ___Yes ___No How many cars do you have jacked up on blocks in your front yard?_______ How many kitchen appliances will you keep on your front porch?__________ Will you wear mostly double-knit polyester pants with snags?____________ Do you own any shoes? ____Yes ____No If yes, how many?__________ What year did you last purchase shoes?_________________ Are you married to any of the following: ____Sister ____Cousin ____Sow Do you know her name?________________ Does your wife weigh more than your pickup?____________ Can you sign your name and get the spelling right every time?____________ Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend?________________ If so, why?______________________________________________________________ Can you count: Past 10 with your shoes on?_________________ To 21 with your fly up?_____________________ Do you know any words that have more than four letters?__________________ Have you ever had more than one bath in a week?__________________________ Medical Information: Do you have at least two of the following: ___BO ___Crabs ___Head Lice ___Rabies ___Trench Mouth ___Runny Nose ___Bad Breath ___Chafing IF YOUR APPLICATION IS TURNED DOWN BY THE STATE OF KENTUCKY, YOU MAY BE ELIGIBLE IN THE STATES OF TEXAS, OKLAHOMA, OR ARKANSAS. THEIR STANDARDS ARE SLIGHTLY LOWER, HOWEVER, YOU WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO VISIT KENTUCKY. Send this joke to a friend 1 State of Kentucky 12th Grade Reading Test TEST #1 TEST #2 TEST #3 TEST #4 MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot MR Knot SAR SAR SAR SAR CM Wangs CM BDI's CMMT Pockets CMEDBD Feet LIB LIB LIB LIB MR Ducks MR Snakes MR Farmers MR Mice Send this joke to a friend 2 Language Trends of the Future There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the future. In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred from facial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same. These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels. In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other vocabularies, but the spelling will be original. Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other alphabets in the world. The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin alphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translating Russian into Polish. Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus a verb at the end, of course. [From Henry_Cate_III.OSBU_North@xerox.com] Send this joke to a friend 3 Changing of the English Language Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru. Send this joke to a friend 4 Love Jesus by Dennis DiPasquale The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks. Send this joke to a friend 5
