A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her
   first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another
   woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her
   sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds:
   Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me,
   and is good in bed.
   About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a
   man with no arms and legs on her front porch.
   "I'm here about your ad," he says.
   "You must be mistaken," she says.
   "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms.
   And I can't run away because I don't have any legs."
   "But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
   "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"




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1 



   
   A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
   the front door.
   "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil
   all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
   until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
   "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh,
   it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
   for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No
   more was said about the "statue."
   Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the
   kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he
   said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's
   for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."




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2 



   
   A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
   His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying
   in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
   His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
   He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
   She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
   He yells at her, "What was that?"
   She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
   Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10
   minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
   The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
   He replied, "Half time, switch sides."




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3 



    Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to
   the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands
   in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
   green.
   Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
   fairway and lands in the water trap.
   Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The
   old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
   the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls
   into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the
   fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and
   grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a
   lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the
   eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
   of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
   Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
   fooling around, we won't bring you next time."




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4 



    Three people were standing on the Titanic, An American, a
   Brit and an belgian. It was almost sinking. The captain told everyone
   to go into the liveboats. The Brit yelled "Women and children first".
   The American said "Screw the women and children" and the Belgian
   answered "Huh, do we have enough time left to do that?"




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