A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
   rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over
   immediately.
   When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
   close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
   which is full and bushy.
   Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
   hands.
   "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak
   to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his
   hair.
   "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
   anything I can do?"
   "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
   huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
   to suck them gently.
   "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."




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1 



    A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices
   two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of
   the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of
   the other.
   "So what's going on here?" he asks.
   The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm
   trying to make him vomit."
   The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his
   THROAT!"
   The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"




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2 


This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I
   just won the lottery!"
   She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the
   mountains?"
   He replies, "I don't care...Just get the f**k out!"




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3 



   
   A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
   sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we
   saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was
   good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She
   said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I
   was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word
   'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
   because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there
   was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
   Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs
   are so big she can only fasten 8."




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4 



   
   A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
   having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The
   next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
   redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband
   jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
   Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're
   next!"




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5