Millennia Year Application Software System



  This memo is to announce the development of a new firm-wide software
  system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all
  firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as
  the "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
  
  Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
  to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the
  month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good
  look at MYASS.  As for the status of the implementation of the
  program, I have not addressed the networking aspects so currently only
  one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed
  after MYASS expands.
  
  Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
  on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was
  not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've
  noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid
  of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into
  the program, I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've
  never put anything in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through
  her first time and when we were through she admitted that it was
  relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
  again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
  was ready to kiss MYASS.
  
  I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
  initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been
  eliminated and we were able to save MYASS.  In the future, however,
  protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this
  database to encompass all information associated with the business. So
  as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want
  into MYASS.  As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be
  commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an
  employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS".  This program has
  already demonstrated great benefit to the company during recent OSHA
  and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical data the agency
  representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided the
  information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly
  our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them
  out of MYASS."





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    A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
   bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the
   bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a
   lawyer for my gator."




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Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began
to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.
"All right," one of the girls said, "the first one to speak has to
do them."
The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their
neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained
silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her
bedroom.
Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and
approached the second girl. Through sign language, they
agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.
When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but
burned his fingers on the stove.
"Hey, where's some petroleum jelly?" he hollered from the
kitchen.
"Oh, hell!" the male roommate said, jumping up. "I'll do the
dishes."



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3 


A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever
seen!"
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!"and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever
seen!"
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!"



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4 



    Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka
   had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers,
   the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.
   "Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
   "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the
   seeds into their pockets."




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5