I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears."

He said, "Don't answer it!" 



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1 



    A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are
   charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in
   the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!",
   the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and
   said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
   "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who
   continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an
   electric drill." "Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge
   thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right
   now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next
   to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool
   when I needed to borrow one!"




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2 


A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor
operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in
a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before
they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre
door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the
sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks
away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second
man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely,
she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are
fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start th
operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have
no idea. We're just painting the corridor." 



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3 


The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's
milk was better for babies than cow's milk. 
This is the answer he submitted: 
1. It's fresher. 
2. It's cleaner. 
3. The cats can't get to it. 
4. It's easier to take on a picnic. 
He also added: "It comes in such cute containers."  




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4 


The Perfect Day - Her

    8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
    9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
    9:30 Light Breakfast
    11:00 Sunbathe
    12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
    1:45 Shopping
    2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
    3:00 Facial, massage, nap
    7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
    10:00 Make love
    11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms 

The Perfect Day - Him

    6:45 Alarm.
    7:00 Shower and massage.
    7:30 Blowjob.
    7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
    8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
    8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
    9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
    12:30 Blowjob.
    12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
    3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
         (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
         Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
         Heinekens, nap.
    6:15 Blowjob.
    6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
    7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
    8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary
         and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
         graphic pictures and large farm animals).
    9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
         Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
         (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
    10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
    11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
          and leave.
    Midnight Blowjob
    Sleep 



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5