An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I 
don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market 
crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."

The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."

Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to 
go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than 
me." So off they go into town.

When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office 
building? We own that."

Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something 
unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just 
happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own 
those."

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, 
"What makes you think we own all this property?"

Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for 
jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I 
kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what 
has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"

Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this 
good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."



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1 


Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find
out whether computer is male or female: one group was male,
and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be 
refereed to as "HE" because: 

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the 
time they are the problem. 
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had 
waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better 
model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to 
as "SHE" because: 

1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is 
incomprehensible to anyone else. 
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory 
for later retrieval. 
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find 
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



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2 


A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and 
asked to be taken to LaGuardia.  While stuck in the traffic jam,
the businessman leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of
adventure?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of
flying there just bores me to tears.  Why not drive me there?
The meeting is only an hour.  I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel
room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow."
The driver said, "Sure, why not?"  and off they went.  
They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana,
and finally into Chicago.  The businessman did his meeting
(while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab 
and they took off to the hotel.  They shared a huge meal, the
businessman paid for two rooms.  The next morning, they 
took off back towards Manhattan.  When they arrived, the 
meter read $4,632.85.
When they got back to the businessman's office, the man
told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you
a certified check.  I'll make it for $5000 so you'll get a sizable
tip for your trouble."
"Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks."
"One last thing.  When I give you the check, I'd like you to 
drive me home, please."
"Where's that?"
"Brooklyn."
"No way!!!  I'd have to drive back over the bridge without a 
passenger!"



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3 


Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was 
always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up 
after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good 
cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever 
smoked, and he replied that he had never.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's 
your excuse then?"



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4 


The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed
of working since a young boy.  He was trying to impress
the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir',
it's real simple.  Add the number of times we dive to the 
number of times we surface.  Divide that number by two.
If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."



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5