The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the
   house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the
   proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local
   hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world"
   there.
   
   Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she
   was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as
   if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of
   purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind
   him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and
   said "May I have one of those ?"
   
   The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What... one of
   those bastards ?"
   
   Without a pause, she said, "Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of
   those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."




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1 



   Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my
   ex-wife any money."
   
   Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not.  I am.  You do."




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2 



            The Missionary and the Chief

            A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how
            to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he
            is to return home.

            He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was
            how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in
            the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is
            a tree."

            The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary
            is pleased with the response.

            They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and
            says, "This is a rock."

            Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

            The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when
            he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he
            sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre
            is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

            The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and
            kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
            he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and
            kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in
            cold blood that way?

            The chief replied, "My bike."





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3 


Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in 
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and 
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them 
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, 
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." 
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: 
                      _
                    /   \
                   |     |        O 
                    \ _ /

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this 
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd 
boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." 

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" 

"Well, I used the same two circles.  I pointed to the
small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"



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4 


Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
   forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
   overwhelming.
   But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to
   reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first
   doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
   But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
   "Howard. You're a veterinarian."




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5