It was during a ball at Andrew Jackson's country home that the family physician approached Mrs. Jackson to say, "You're looking wonderful tonite, Rachel! What keeps you so radiant and effervescent?" "Having such a popular husband, of course." "Surely there must be more to it than that, madam." "Well, there's Old Hickory's dickery, doc." Send this joke to a friend 1 "Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." The operator pauses. "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor . . ." Send this joke to a friend 2 Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one is blind and the other appears normal. A couple of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He sees the guys and decides to have compassion on them. He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his sight is restored. He touches the man in the wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away. He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, 'Whoa, God! I'm on workman's comp!' Send this joke to a friend 3 Rejection Letter Reject Ever wonder what to do when those rejection letters start piling up? Well here's a suggestion: - - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - [Date Today] Dear Mr. Kennelly: Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Acme Inc.'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. Sincerely, [Your name here] Send this joke to a friend 4 Retire Aged Personell Early TO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES FROM GOVERNING BORED DATE 22 APR 1986 1. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must drastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting management to focus its abuse on younger employees who represent our future. 2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system at greatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). 3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply for a new re- employment eligibility service. This service will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Current regulations state that employees may only be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as many times as management deems appropriate. 4. If an employee meets all of the above requirements, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan since the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED by management. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for Immediate Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications, one should only request this service once. 5. Employees can enhance their retention prospects by signing up for additional training. It is now and always has been the policy of management to ensure all employees are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have given our employees more SHIT than any other organization in the country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT you can stand. 6. To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, only upper-management and their selected brown-noses will be given raises and exempt status from the above programs. Yu Bien Haad MCCCD GOVERNING BORED P.S. We in upper management would like to once again applaud the HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study; heck, we couldn't have paid anyone to make up a better report! Send this joke to a friend 5
