An old sea captain with one wooden leg, one hook replacing a missing
   hand, and one
   missing eye goes into a bar.
   The sailor sitting next to him says, "You're really in bad shape. What
   happened to your
   leg?"
   "I fell overboard," says the Captain, "and before my mates could pull
   me aboard, a shark
   bit it off."
   "Terrible," says the sailor. "And what happened to your hand?"
   "We attacked a man-o'-war," says the Captain, "and one of the
   attackees chopped it off
   with a saber."
   "Awful," says the sailor. "And how did you lose your eye?"
   "Seagull droppings," says the Captain.
   "Amazing," says the sailor. "I didn't know seagull droppings could put
   your eye out."
   "Can't," says the Captain. "But it was my first day with the hook."
   




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1 


A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the
mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts
of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."





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2 



   Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.
   The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"
   One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that
   shit?"
   




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3 



   Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to
   their position in life,
   and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one
   says, "My husband is
   taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then
   looks at the others
   with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just
   bought me a new
   Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number
   three says,
   "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and
   we don't have
   many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my
   husband is that
   fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
   After this, the first one
   looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I
   was just trying to
   impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well,
   it's not to the French
   Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The
   second one says,
   "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."
   "Well, I've got a
   confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one
   leg."
   




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4 


How is pubic hair like parsley?

You push it to the side before you start eating.



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5