Footless Parrot A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish." The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me." The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?" The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion." The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He did??!" The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts." The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!" The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch." Send this joke to a friend 1 What do the Pope and the Giants have in common? Both cram 30,000 fans in a stadium and end up saying JESUS CHRIST!! Send this joke to a friend 2 Out All Night Drinking An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "How did you know?" he asks. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again." Send this joke to a friend 3 Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis. Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, "It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp." Send this joke to a friend 4 Like, A Totally California State Residency Application... man... Name: (Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil", "Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.) Age: _____________ Inner Child's Age: _______ Age in Dog Years: _______ Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ________ Sex: _____ M _____ F _____ Hermaphrodite _____ Still working it out in therapy Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot Condition of Feet: ____ Wash Daily ____ Wash Weekly ____ Like, whenever I get to the beach, man... Occupation: ___ Massage Therapist ___ Astral Counsel ___ Pet Psychologist ___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not merely Grateful) ___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful) ___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows ___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie burritos" at concerts ___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry Garcia ___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine ___ Rent-A-Mob protester ___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies ___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran ___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake ___ LA rock star groupie ___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer ___ Professional Emotional Victim Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________ Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s): ____ Astral Soulmate ____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the rent was cheap ____ My dog's massage therapist ____ "Just Friends" ____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them as tax deduction(s) Number of Children in Commune: _____ Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____ Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____ Mother's Name: ____________________ Father's Name: ____________________ Where were you were conceived: ____ Woodstock ____ Monterey ____ Under the stars on in the commune's hot tub ____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the way to a Dead show Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers: Number of copies sold: ____ Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____ Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on wind chimes: ___ Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____ Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____ Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance: ____ Donahue ____ Ricki Lake ____ Geraldo ____ Sally Jesse ____ The morning news' surf report Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____ Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____ Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on tour") Number of bongs you own: ____ Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out: Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have personalities) ____ Green Party ____ American Communist Party ____ Socialist Party ____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans) ____ Hemp Party ____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse Hotline Party ____ New Age Goddess Party How far is your home from the waterline: ___ Miles ___ Yards ___ Feet ___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose Number of surfboards owned: ____ Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally", "like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like, totally don't know) Send this joke to a friend 5
