The Fisherman

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the 
sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth 
of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the 
stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out 
why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his 
family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you 
should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then
result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You 
can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing 
boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you 
can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all 
the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in 
the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?" 



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1 


This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above 

"You will live to be 100." 

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." 

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! 

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. 

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven. 

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.
So how come you let the bus kill me?". 

God said: "I didn't recognize you". 




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2 


THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS....THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN 

"Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. 
Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player 
in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. 

The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, 
mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler 
Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the 
ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,
and she'd be married to the President. 

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped 
Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid 
hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass 
that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. 

Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.
But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. 

Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place 
called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, 
it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. 

There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time 
like his lithium drip just kicked in. 

Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausable deniability,' 
and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. 

Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was 
Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long 
enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver wrestling" shared by at 
least a dozen former residents of the White House. 

Which brings me back to my point. 

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for 
less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a 
fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. 

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock 
market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from 
a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance 
cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. 

Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. 

What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's 
a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where 
you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm 
parking the Presidential Limousine. 

Thank you, good night, and God Bless America. 



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3 


If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the following public service
announcement: 
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear
country. 
The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be careful because they don't scare 
Grizzly Bears. 
Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear 
droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. 
One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it. 



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4 


Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down 
next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he 
asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder 
than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, 
wouldn't you say?"



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5