Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to
   heaven?
   Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.




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1 



   A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who
   had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant 
   owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read:
   SINCEREST SYMPATHIES.
   The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and
   shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone to the 
   restaurant man.He had sent to the funeral a clover design of 
   red roses across which was a bright green ribbon bearing the 
   inscription: BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.




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2 



   YOU KNOW WHEN THE POST OFFICE IS HIRING WHEN THE FLAG OUT
   FRONT IS AT HALF MAST.
   THE POSTAL WORKERS WANT HAZZARD PAY AND WORKERS COMP FOR SLIPPING ON
   SHELL CASINGS




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3 



   This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
   in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
   "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the
   man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the
   service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a
   Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man
   some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the
   gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained
   Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then
   cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs
   on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service
   guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the
   Chihuahua."




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4 


In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep
   with President Clinton?" 86% replied, "Not again"




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5