God's Human DNA Code



For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very
little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.
 
I have solved the mystery.
 
The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the
rest of it is comments.
 
Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
follows:
 
===
/* HUMAN_DNA.H
 *
 * Human Genome
 * Version 2.1
 *
 * (C) God
 */
 
/* Revision history:
 *
 * 0000-00-01 00:00  1.0  Adam.
 * 0000-00-02 10:00  1.1  Eve.
 * 0000-00-03 02:11  1.2  Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
 *                        will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
 * 0017-03-12 03:14  1.3  Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
 *                        elephant-dna.c
 * 0145-10-03 16:33  1.4  Removed tail.
 * 1115-00-31 17:20  1.5  Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
 * 2091-08-20 13:56  1.6  Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
 * 2501-04-09 14:04  1.7  Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
 *                        darker to match my own image.
 * 2909-07-12 02:21  1.8  Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
 *                        Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
 * 4501-12-31 14:18  1.9  Increase average height.
 * 5533-02-12 17:09  2.0  Added gay option, triggered by high population
 *                        density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
 * 6004-11-04 16:11  2.1  Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
 *                        CD.
 */
 
/* Standard definitions
 */
 
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
 
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
 *
 * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
 * inheritance features.
 */
 
#include "mother.h"
#include "father.h"
 
#infndef FATHER
#warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
#include "bastard.h"
#endif
 
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
 */
#include 
 
/* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
 * library sometime soon.
 */
struct genitals
   {
#ifdef MALE
   Penis *jt;
#endif
   /* G_spot *g;   Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE
   Vagina *p;
#endif
   }
 
/* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
 * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
 */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);
 
/* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
 *
 * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
 * to display at birth.
 *
 * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
 */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
===
 
...and so on.
 
 
[ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]





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1 


A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every 
day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round 
and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is 
a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, 
she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they 
play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close 
match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer
and she wins their little competition on the last hole.

He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift 
when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly 
enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's 
company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself 
so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd 
like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated 
everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her 
appreciation... 

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests 
they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and 
slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they 
have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and 
playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at 
the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her 
appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. 
This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the 
car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he 
has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner 
for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of 
passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. 

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to 
this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she 
admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to 
a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. 
"I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating 
bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"



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2 


Two men were boasting to each other about their old army 
days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that 
when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, 
click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company 
presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. 

"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."



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3 


MICHAEL KENNEDY

   What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy?
   John Denver made it alive out of Aspen.
   Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy?
   Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing"
   How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?
   Check the family tree.
   A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at
   the
   snow-covered knoll...
   What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common?
   Wood pulp.
   New bumper sticker...."Plant A Tree....Kill A Kennedy...."
   What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers?
   A1: One more bullet.
   A2: A season lift pass.




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4 



   The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to
   come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed
   his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward
   and say, "Give me all your money...and I need some change in quarters,
   nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was
   the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out,
   "That isn't what I said."




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5