What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are. What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him. What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole. What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake! What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together. What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents. What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell. 1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife....I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours." 5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe." 10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!" 15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?" 16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..." Send this joke to a friend 1 A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was starting to get extremely horny. She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the bag boy. On the way out to the car she decided to make her move. Leaning over to the boy she whispered," You know, I've got and itchy pussy...." The boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!" Send this joke to a friend 2 Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's. He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by. "So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously. Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2." Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!" Send this joke to a friend 3 Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" Send this joke to a friend 4 Less-Known Computer Languages Basic-Fortran-Cobol... These programming languages are well known and (more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry. There are numerous other languages however that are less well known yet still have ardent devotees. In fact these little -known languages generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure languages - and why they are obscure - I present the following catalog. SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Mono Purpose Programming Lingusitic Environment. This language developed at the Hanover College for Technological Misfits was designed to make it impossible to write code with errors in it. The statements are therefore confined to BEGIN-END- and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements you can't make a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful.Thus they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without the tedious frustrating process of testing and debugging. SLOBOL ... SLOBOL is best known for the speed or lack of it of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile SLOBOL compilers allow you to take a trip to Bolivia to pick up the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language...COCAINE. VALGOL ... (With special thanks to Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau) - From its modest beginnings in southern California's San Fernando Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY- LIKE - WELL and YAKNOW. Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators.Other operators include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS" FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handled in FOR-SURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL program . 14 LIKE-YAKNOW (I MEAN) START . %% IF . PI A =LIKE BITCHEN AND . 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND . 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX . 4K (FERSURE)**2 . 18 THEN . 4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100 . 86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2) . 9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) . -17 SURE . 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM . ? REALLY . $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example when the user makes a syntax error the interpreter displays the message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! LAIDBACK ... Historically VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK which was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi Mellowness and Computer Programming as an analternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby silicon valley. The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there for long since the center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean curd and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because its reputation as a gentle and nonthreatening language. For example LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the message SORRY MAN I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT. SARTRE ... Named after the late existential philosopher.SARTRE is an extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose they are just there. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no fun at parties. FIFTH ... FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types refer to quantity. The data types range from CC-OUNCE -SHOT and JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language) LITER-MAGNUM and BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS-CHARDONNAY- CABERNET-GIN-VERMOUTH-VODKA-SCOTCH and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers who end up using the language. C-...This language was named for the grade received by its creater when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best described as a 'Low Level' programming language. In fact the language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL. LITHP ... This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "s" in its character set. Programmers and users must substitute"TH". LITHP is said to be useful in prothething lithtth. DOGO ... Developed at the Massachussettes Institute of Obedience Training. DOGO heralds a new era of computer literate pets. DOGO commands include SIT STAY-HEEL and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is 'PUPPY GRAPHICS' in which a small cocker spaniel occasionally leaves a deposit as he travels across the screen. Send this joke to a friend 5
