A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go 
home and show her you're the boss." 

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went
home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and 
growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my 
supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs 
and lay out my clothes.  Tonight I am going out with the boys. 
You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another 
thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."



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1 


One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her 
husband with twin sons.  They loved the children very much, 
but couldn't think of what to name their children.  Finally, after 
several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names 
right now.  If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur 
to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife 
noticed a peculiar fact.  When left alone, one of the boys would 
also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face 
inland.  It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the 
children, the same child always faced the same direction.  
"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the 
fisherman.  His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys 
were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong.  The day 
came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is 
time that learned how to make a living from the sea."  They 
provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a 
three month voyage. 

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet 
the ship had not returned.  Another three months passed, and 
still no ship. 

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a 
lone man walking towards her house.  She recognized him as 
her husband.  "My goodness!  What has happened to my 
darling boys?" she cried. 

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards 
hooked into a great fish.  Towards fought long and hard, but the 
fish was more than his equal.  For a whole week they wrestled 
upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually 
the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled 
over the side of our ship.  He was swallowed whole, and we 
never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible!  What a huge fish that 
must of been! What a horrible fish.  What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."



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Father Goose Story No. 1



It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give
birth at about the same time.  The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the
birthing was done on a deer hide.  The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this
was done on a bear hide.  And, the third had twins, two boys, and
she did this on a hippopotamus hide.

This means that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide
is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.





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Father Goose Story No. 2



        When the powerful king found his throne missing the next
day, he  ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king's count and force
him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as
follows:

king:   Where is the throne?
count:  I cannot tell you.
king:   Then I will have you killed!  Executioner, cut off his
        head!
count:  (as the axe is swinging down...)
        Ok!  I will tell you!
                        THWACK!!!

Moral: don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.



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Father Goose Story No. 3



A wild life photographer goes on an expedition to South America to photograph
the legendary and hitherto unseen foo bird.  On the way he attempts to hire
porters from a tribe of Pygmys.  They warn him of the dreaded curse on all
who look upon the bird and refuse to join.  Undaunted the intrepid photographer
continues to the banks of the Amazon where he sets up a blind and waits.

After several days, lo and behold, a foo bird flies directly over the river.

In a rush of excitement, the photographer rushes out of the blind and snaps off
a shot.  No sooner has he done this then a huge, evil smelling flock of foos
congregate over his head and completely cover him in guano.

The slimy stuff starts to harden and restrict his breathing.  He frantically
tries to get the stuff off but to no avail.  Finally in desperation, he throws
himself into the river.  A large crocodile promptly eats him.

The moral?
It the foo shits, wear it.



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5