What is the definition of ultimate rejection? 

     Your hand falling asleep while masturbating. 



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1 


Why did god invent alcohol? 

     - So fat women can get laid too. 



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2 


These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one 
lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push 
over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous 
direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse 
over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round 
and returned home an hour later from a completely different 
direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in 
hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this 
afternoon?"
The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. 
Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."
At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys 
severely and sent them to bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast 
table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their 
father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"
"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned 
that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd 
chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he 
told the truth."
"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the 
cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!" 





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3 


A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher 
asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, 
"Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell 
before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, 
"Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." 

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."  



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4 


Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. 
Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the 
ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll 
have to inform his wife. 

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he 
volunteers to do the job. 

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did 
you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did 
you get the six-pack?" 

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died 
and she gave you a six-pack??" 

"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, 
"when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's 
widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a 
widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"



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5