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Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks." The other said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued and were still arguing when the train hit them.
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1
The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue. "Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired. "But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..." "Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back." "But, officer, I think you really should know..." "And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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2
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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3
Paul says to Jesus, "Hey man, whatcha doing for Passover?" Jesus says, "Just hanging around."
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4
Q: How do you get AIDS from a toilet seat? A: If you sit down before the other guy gets off.
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5
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