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Conversation over dinner:
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh Shit.
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1
The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air
Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of
perfectly good aircraft. "Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated
officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay
you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army
pays its men to jump."
"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant
replied. "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump
out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch
about the salary."
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2
Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong?
What's the emergency?"
"Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some
terrible news for you. It's disfigured."
"Well, how bad is it? Can I see?"
"Follow me, sir."
They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first
door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.
Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"
The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child.
Follow me, please."
They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.
Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?"
"No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me."
Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.
"Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?"
"Not your child, sir. Follow me."
One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself to
enter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear.
"This is your child, Mister Smith."
Smitty goes nuts, "Oh Lord! What could possibly be worse
than this!? But...It's still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him
with bed-time stories. I will sing him lullabies..."
"Sir, it's deaf."
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3
Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy
preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or
English saddle.
Judi asked what the difference was.
"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't."
"Just get the one without the horn. I don't think
we'll run into too much traffic out here."
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4
Two men were stopped by a TV newswoman doing street
interviews about the upcoming presidential primary election.
"I'm not voting for any of the candidates," the first man said. "I
don't know any of them."
"I feel the same way," the second man said. "Only I know
them all."
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5
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