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OMNI Magazine Contest These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine: Grand Prize Winner: When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. Runners-up: If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille. Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. Honorable Mentions: Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis. The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
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There once was a conservative college in the mid-west that had a standing rule, the heat was not to be turned on in the dormitories prior to a certain date. Unfortunately, one year, winter decided to rear its ugly head early. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done. After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the message, "TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE BOYS!"
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Back in the old days my Uncle Bucky bought a new Model A Ford.The next morning he was on his way to work and crashed into a car pulling out from a sidestreet. Being the witty person that he is, he wrote a letter to the Ford Motor Company.. "I blew my horn, it did no good; and now i have a busted hood". Two days later a delivery truck arrived at his residence with a brand new hood. Sent by Cliff
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