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I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customer
calls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine the
general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it on
an electronic queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call,
so that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is in
their area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not
generally familiar with Unix.
Spelling errors can happen.
"The cron log file has exceeded 250 mega bite"
"Air message on consol"
Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:
"Cannot get into the library"
"Runaway process boards"
"Terminals need to be brightened up"
...you can ignore this problem until they're suicidal.
"Question about braking when dialing in from a modem"
...calling from your car phone?
"Does not see the boot"
...check the end of your foot.
"Terminal has no cusor and making a high pitch wine"
...mmmm, just LOVE that high pitch wine!
"Cannot get into Telnet"
...yeah, telnet is pretty boring.
"Constant memory vaults"
...you're using too many JUMP instructions.
"X's and O's on terminal"
...how cute, it's just telling you it loves you.
"Terminal density is gone - cannot see screen"
...someone call a physicist -- their system is losing its mass!
"Bust fault and reset of system"
...can the hardware guy install a bra?
There is some hardware we just don't support.
"Install wife terminal"
"Has a PC that knocks down all terminals"
"Foot disk needs to be reformatted"
...contact your chiropractor.
"Actuary on printer is out"
...are they at an insurance company?
This is clearly NOT a software problem.
"Trouble with electrical smell on system"
This one came up a few weeks after Gorbachev had his trouble:
"When logging on, getting overthrow signal"
Similarly:
"Warning regent table overthrow"
Here's a stumper.
"EGA controller error grade andy controller, bell doesn't work"
Users may get a little fed up.
"Is it possible to communicate with a Unix machine?"
"Too much paper during printing"
Sometimes, you just have to wonder...
"Getting a parody error"
"If terminal is off, can't get prompt back"
"Having ahard disfailure"
"Question about configuration of Woodperfect"
"Set off a background process accidentally and wants to kill"
...I, too, would kill after making such a mistake.
"Questions on fox based software"
...those animals really do understand relational databases!
"Problem logging onto root, gets Chinese characters"
...oh, your console is upside-down.
"Each time he accesses a dose you have to reset the terminal"
...wow, man, the screen is breathing...
"Kill process logs users off system"
...it does tend to do that.
"Question on repetitioning the disc"
...we have here a signed statement: you should increase swap.
"Q how to do PCP over x dot 25"
...please, don't network under the influence.
"UPS DOWN"
...and down is up, right, sir?
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Last night my spouse was berating me for wanting to check my
email as soon as I got home from work. "You know", she
complained, "I think that work rules your life".
"No dear," I replied, "_you_ rule my life. I just prefer work."
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Scrotum Self-Repair
Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality
by William A. Morton, Jr.
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She
directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other
than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles."
The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and
had little to say as he gingerly opened histrousers to expose a bit of
angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin. After I asked the nurse to
leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two
or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum,
which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender.
A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left
scrotum. Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw
somehalf-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they
were. Several days earlier, he said, he had injured himself in
the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself
with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of
the type used in putting up wallboard.
We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the
hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial
therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning.
The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of
the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges
were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing.
The stump of thespermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided,
and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present.
Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the
skin was loosely closed. Convalescence was uneventful, and before his
release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided
the rest of his story to me.
An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunch time
with his coworkers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice
of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large
floor-based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost
his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum became
caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the
air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis,
and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and
resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-
gratification.
[William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester,
Pennsylvania.]
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