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Pest-by-Modem
Here's how to be a pest-by-modem:
*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like
IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f...... manual) to show
that they're "hep" to the lingo. Make up your own that don't stand for
anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to
explain what they stand for ("You don't know? RTFM").
*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO
THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO
USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT
BEING HERE!!!!!!!
*When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling and
point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content of
their messages. When they respond testily to your 'creative criticism,"
do it again. Continue until they go away.
*Software and files offered on-line are often "compressed" so that it
won't take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression
program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail
responses like "Thanks."
*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them
names like "SexyHouseWives," then see how many people download them.
Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take
bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload's popularity.
*cc: all your E-mail to Al Gore (vice.president@whitehouse.gov) so that
he can keep track of what's happening on the information Superhighway
Internet.
*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to an
unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you're in a
discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation
that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important
role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as
people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to
ignore you.
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1
Diary of an AOL User
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the
best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better
hold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.
I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think
I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't
fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next
door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online
for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's
just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these
services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the
modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they
didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a
modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when
you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought
the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured
it out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this
internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America
Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared
to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but
nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS
LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD
AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE
OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD
KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I
HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA!
I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I
WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I
WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT
A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN
THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it
to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I
can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid
next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's
laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let
him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why
the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty
stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they
used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new
signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to
read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story
I
like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
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2
State of Arkansas
Residency Application
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name:
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name:
Father's Name: (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
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3
Arkansas Governor Application
First name:___________________Last name(if known):_______________________
Address (where you live):
Mother's name(list also relation, i.e., sister):__________________
Birthdate(yours):____________________
Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices)______________
Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )
Year of pickup truck:____________ Do you have the following in your truck:
Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( )
Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )
Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )
How far can you throw cow pies?__________ Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )
Wife's name:__________________ Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( )
Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( )
Right hand( )
Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( )
Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you is your wife:
50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( )
100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear:
A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( )
Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( )
Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )
Color of wife's hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )
Did you understand the previous questions:
Yes( ) No( ) What does "previous" mean?( )
Huh?( ) All of the Above( )
Have you ever had: Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( )
(Check all that Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( )
apply) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )
Have you ever: Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( )
Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( )
Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Gilligan( )
Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( )
Inhaled( )
Where was your last Elvis sighting?________________ On what date?___________
Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )
Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:
Signature (or 'X' if you can't write)________________________________
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4
Certificate of Upgrade to
Complete Asshole
Certificate of Upgrade
to
Complete Asshole
is awarded to
-------------------------------------------------------------
In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss
People Off, Complete Asinine Juvenile Behavior and Total
Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the Many
Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others
During Your Lifetime, You Have Become a Legend In YOUR Own
Mind.
To Recognize Your Upgrade From Half-Assed to Complete Asshole
Gives All Concerned Great Satisfaction. If Anyone, For Any
Reason, Doubts Your Status,
JUST BE YOURSELF!
Effective Date _________________ Signed _____________________
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5
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