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What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
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She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body? He: Your sense of humor.
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An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession: Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old. Father: When was the last time you made a confession? Man: I never have, I am Jewish. Father: Then why are telling me all this? Man: I am telling everybody ...
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Need a change? Here's the Spice Girls Application Form . . . Name: Age: Real Age: 1. How would you describe yourself? a. An energetic self starter b. A team player c. Pro-active d. A tasty bit of crumpet 2. Do you have any vestige of talent, besides your chest or butt? 3. Would it bother you if you were the target of unrelenting hatred? 4. Are you willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music industry? a. Yes b. No 5.How many times have you been kicked out of karaoke bar? 6. Does nudity bother you? If so give three excuses for your portfolio. 7. Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern behaviourist psychology. ...just kidding!! 6. Seriously, do you like wearing leather mini-skirts? a. Yes b. No 8. Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light? 9. Choose an appropriate SPICE nickname: a. Sexy b. Nasty c. Sweetie d. Eezie e. Syphilis f. Olde 10. Choose an appropriate SPICE image: a. Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles b. Tub of lard c. Bloke in a tracksuit d. Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity e. Terrifying to small children and old men f. All of the above 11. Do you promise to make two albums and then go away forever? a. Yes b. No 12. Elvis Costello is________________. a. the king of rock and roll b. former partner to Bud Abbott c. Ollet Socsivle backwards d. oh, you know, this guy 13. If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres and 75 kilometres an hour respectively, how would you look in a bikini? 14. If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help alleviate Prince Charles' loneliness? a. Yes b. No 15. List three body parts you'd be willing to pierce and expose continuously. 16. In the space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, want this job.
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NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren. Old Phrase New Phrase 1. No fucking way I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible 2. Your fucking joking Really 3. Tell someone who gives a fuck Have you run that by................ 4. No cunt told me I was not involved in that project 5. I don't have the fucking time Perhaps I can work late 6. Who fucking cares Are you sure that is the problem 7. Eat shit and die You don't say 8. Eat shit and die motherfucker You don't say, Sir 9. Kiss my arse So you would like me to help you 10. He's a fucking prick He is somewhat insensitive 11. That's fucking bullshit I find that hard to believe 12. You haven't got a fucking clue You could benefit from more training 13. This place is fucked We are a little disorganised today 14. What sort of fucker are you You're new here aren't you? 15. Fuck off shit head Well there you go 16. You're a fucking wanker You're my manager and I respect you 17. Ha! Fuck you I wasn't there that day 18. This is bollocks We need to look into this some more 19. I aint got no cunt I am rather short of labour 20. Fuck off I'll look into that and get back to you
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