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A friend told me "I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with MasterCard. He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt."
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Bachelor Blake had a telephone problem last summer. Some dude who works a night shift apparently has a phone number almost identical to Blake's. Starting around midnight, he'd phone every hour and say, "Hey, what're you doing there, Mister? Where's my wife?" Blake'd reply, "You have the wrong number." The man would snarl suspiciously, "Yeah, I'll bet!" cuss a short streak, and hang up. Blake put up with this abuse for exactly three nights. On the fourth night, when the called and asked, "Hey, what're you doing...," Blake interrupted in a frantic screech, "For Pete's sake, call the cops! My wife followed me here, she's chasing your wife with an axe, and she's gonna... HONEY, DON'T...ARGGGGH!" The man hollered, "What happened? What? Are you there? Hold on, I'll send the police!" The phone clicked, the dial tone came on, and Blake hasn't been bothered by night calls since.
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Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went overboard to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" ... the hard way. Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
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