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The usual scene. A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got good news and bad news." The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him that he has just three weeks to live. "Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in three weeks! What's the good news." Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist? Well, I'm fucking her!"
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1
After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, Carlos makes his wish: "To wake up with 3 women in my bed." She says, "So be it!" and disappears back into the bottle. The next morning, Carlos wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken and he has no health insurance.
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2
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the Goddamn gun...'"
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3
The day after a man lost his wife in a boating accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife." "Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!" Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
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4
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
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5
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