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A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
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1
A man is giving evidence in court and the defendant's barrister asks him "How far from the accident were you when it happened?" He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches" "Nonsence how can you be so precise" "Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it."
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2
A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in a park. The witness: They were fucking your honor The judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way: The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear Until tiny sounds came to my ear There was this couple on the ground there and his balls were dangling in the air and you know his what was in her you know where If that wasn't fucking your Honor I wasn't there
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3
Teacher: Why are you late? Little Johnny: Because of the sign. Teacher: What sign? Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what I did.
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4
This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn't know what to do. He's fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed up and says, "Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s'pposed to take that thing you play with and put it where I pee!" ...So he got his bowling bowl and threw it in the outhouse!
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5
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