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Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other. At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!" Which woke Ed. "What's going on?" said Ed. "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted. "How come?" said Ed. "To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!" said Ted After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?" "Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted. "Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.
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1
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?" ...The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." ...The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?" ...Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".
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2
Mr. Goldfarb was walking down the street. In each arm he carried a bag. He ran into Mr. Klein. Mr. Klein asked, "What are those bags for?" "I'm collecting for Israel", said Mr. Goldfarb. "You need two bags?", asked Mr. Klein. "I've got a system, said Mr. Goldfarb. It's fantastic. I go into the men's room. I pull out a knife and hold it up. Then I say, 'Give for Israel or get a circumcision.' It works. I have forty thousand dollars in this bag. "What do you have in the other bag?", inquired Mr. Klein. "Oh, well, not everybody gives."
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3
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
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4
There's these four Irishmen in a bar, all drinking Guinness. One of them is looking rather puzzled, so another turns to him and asks him what's the matter. 1st Irishman: Well, I was just trying to remember what 2 plus 2 is. 2nd Irishman: Oh, that's easy, it's 147. 1st Irishman: No no no, that can't be right. How about you, Fergus, do you know what 2 plus 2 is? 3rd Irishman: Hmmm ... could it be Wednesday, perhaps? 1st Irishman: No no no, that doesn't sound right either. How about you Pat, do you know? 4th Irishman: Simple, the answer is 4. 1st Irishman: Of course! How did you work it out?! 4th Irishman: Aha, that's where brains come in! I subtracted 147 from Wednesday!
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5
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