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On Campus: "In a rare lapse of generosity, the NCAA has decided college athletes can get jobs. This statement was sent via ship-to-shore cable from the NCAA yacht SS TV Revenue anchored off Monte Carlo." "Athletes just can't make it anymore on what alumni give them," says Alan Ray.
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Some real headlines "Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Times in 10 Years" "Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One" "War Dims Hope for Peace" "If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While" "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures" "Deer Kill 17,000" "Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide" "Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges" "Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead" "Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge"
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Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?) the Harrier was operating unarmed.
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