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Bible Bloopers
[The bloopers found below are said to be written by actual students and are
"genuine, authentic, and unretouched." They were compiled by Richard
Lederer, and appear in the 12/31/95 edition of "National Review" magazine.]
It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they are retold
by young scholars around the world:
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple
tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the
animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a
ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let
himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the
Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned
in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten
Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh
Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of
David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they
do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who
was, by profession, a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife.
This is called monotony.
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Burn Baby Burn - A Cigar Story
ONLY IN THE U.S. LEGAL SYSTEM
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very
expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ...fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars,
and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man
filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man
stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that
the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man
sued...and won!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a
policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against
fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire,"
it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the
rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check,
however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of
arson!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case
being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of
intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive
one year terms!
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Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by
running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they
pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and
drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their
bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate
still attached to the bumper. A woman was reporting her car as stolen,
and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking
the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he
had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They
arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
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