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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
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1
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards...
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2
A little kid comes running into the backyard. He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!" "Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
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3
An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury... u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we have a bit of a problem with your husband." wife.. "What's wrong?" u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and, basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin." wife.. "Well, what can you do?" u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than standard but it will cost you an extra $500." wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the problem which is a little less expensive?" The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion. u/t.. "We could remove his penis." wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around." u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his rectum." wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I want to see the body immediately before the funeral." u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral." Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for the last time. She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody hurts, doesn't it?"
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4
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
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5
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