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This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink. "What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then...I come in here....and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in public!!!!??" "Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"
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THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya fuck one goat . . . "
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A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend." "Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?" The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'"
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3
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls. One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that". The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"
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Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him? Farmer: This dog don't talk! Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going? Dog: Doin alright Farmer: (Extreme look of shock) Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer) Dog: Yep. Ventriloquist: How's he treat you? Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play. Farmer: (Look of disbelief) Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse? Farmer: Horses don't talk! Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin? Horse: Cool. Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock) Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer) Horse: Yep. Ventriloquist: How's he treat you? Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. Farmer: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP? Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!
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