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There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an 18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey. "Great lookin' monkey, mate" said the hitcher. "Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look at this." Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly and sits back down in his seat in the cabin. "That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchiker. "Can I have a go??" The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?" "There's only one thing though" says the hitcher. "What?" "There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."
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A fellow walks into a bar, and his eye is quickly drawn to a large glass bowl filled with ten dollar bills. Intrigued, he asks the bartender why the bowl is there. The bartender explains that it's an ongoing challenge at this particular bar. "For ten bucks you get a shot at three tasks -- if you complete them all successfully, you'll get yer ten bucks back, along with the rest of the money." The fellow expresses an interest in the idea. "Well," says the bartender, "it sounds a lot easier than it really is. A lot of guys haven't been able to hack it. You gotta drink a whole one of those kegs in the corner over there -- then there's this crazy mad pit bull out back, through that door -- he's crazy on account of he's got an infected tooth, so you'll have to pull that." Some of the regulars start to pay attention to the guy, so he inflates his chest and prods the bartender on. "Well," says the bartender, "then you gotta -- upstairs is the lady who owns this place -- she's pretty old, but you gotta -- well, you gotta make her finish if you know what I mean." "Bring her to orgasm?" asks the fellow. "Yup," says the bartender. "That's the third thing." Without hesitation, the guy proudly places a new ten dollar bill into the bowl, and sets off to the nearest keg in the corner. The regulars stare on, having seen many men fail. After successfully draining the keg in record time, the man makes his way out the back door, surprisingly staggering very little. For a good half hour, painful sounds of growling and crashing come through the wall as the regulars shoot knowing looks in each other's directions. As the clamor outside subsides, and the bartender starts to add ten to the running total cash pot, the fellow staggers in through the back door, bloody, clothing in shreds, with a determined look in his eye. The others look on in amazement as he claps his hands together and says, "Alright, now where's that ugly old lady needs her fuckin' tooth pulled?"
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2
A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, what the camel was for. The Sargent replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
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If you are unsure of what "shagging" means, [1]this list may help. LD A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer. "So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer. "So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny. "So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders." "Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?" "What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"
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4
Three lawyers met at an upscale nightspot for drinks one Friday night, got real plastered and met with unfortunate results on their way home. On Saturday, they were comparing notes during a round of golf. Lawyer 1 said he had gotten so drunk that he became disoriented and was very sick. When he arrived home he said that he was in such bad shape that he even blew chunks. Lawyer 2 said he thought he had an even worse experience. He lost control of his new BMW and totaled it by driving it into a utility pole. Fortunately, he wasn't injured in the crash. Lawyer 3 claimed his experience was the worst. He said when he got home his girlfriend was so pissed at him for being out late that she started throwing things at him. She totally destroyed a Ming dynasty vase that had an appraised value of over a half a million dollars. Then she went into the garage and started up his new Ferrari after dumping sugar in the gas tank. Lawyer 1 was standing there just shaking his head and crying uncontrollably. The other two asked him what was the matter. He said, "You guys just don't understand - "Chunks" is my dog!"
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