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A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla--for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
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1
Noon in the jungle. Under a tree a lion tries to sleep, when he hears strange laughing. He rises and strolls to the bushes where the laughter seems to come from. Behind the bush a group of elephant bulls is sitting in a circle and they are laughing their heads off. Lion: "Hey elephants, why are you laughing?" Elephant: "We are fucking some monkeys" Lion: "Well, I do that as well, but I don't see what's so funny about it." Elephant: "Because they don't burst when YOU cum." (Alternatively, Elephant: "Because they don't turn inside-out when YOU pull it out.")
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2
A man goes into a pet shop that advertises "unusual pets" and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The owner says, "How about Phil, the dog?" The man replies, "Come on, a dog can't do everything." The owner says, "How about Miriam, the cat?" The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything, damn it!" The owner thinks for a minute. Then says, "I've got it! ... Charlie, the centipede! HE can do everything. But it will cost you." The man says, "Charlie, the centipede? ... I can't imagine a centipede doing everything but ... okay, if you guarantee he can do everything ... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says, "Charlie, clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The countertops cleaned. The appliances sparkling. The floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Charlie, go clean the living room." Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed. The furniture cleaned and dusted. The pillows on the sofa plumped. Plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This is a pet that really can do everything." He sits down to watch a little TV, turns to the centipede and says, "Charlie, run down to the corner and get me a newspaper, please." The centipede leaves. 10 minutes later ... no Charlie. 20 minutes later ... no Charlie. 30 minutes later ... no Charlie. The man is wondering what's going on. The darn centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later ... still no Charlie! The man can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is Charlie? He goes to the front door, opens it ... and there's Charlie sitting right outside the door. The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you out 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?!" The centipede says, angrily, "Hey, man, cut me some slack here, will ya? I'm still putting on my shoes!"
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3
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars. Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"
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4
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck. "How's your day been?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey" came the answer. "So how's your day been?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie" "No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my fucking day!"
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5
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