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New University Promos
It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow desperate. The
the average tuition (per year) for each institution is outta site and they
just aren't getting enough applicants. I understand that in a rash,
unprecedented move, some colleges are taking out advertising in the middle
of 'Sesame Street' episodes, to differentiate themselves from their
competitors.
BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose
ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a lot of empathy? Are
you sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO
BROWN!!!
COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are
you planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman
year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!
HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do
you never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social
life? Do you hate that too? COME TO HARVARD!!!
PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating club is? Are
you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the smartest person you know?
How many clubs were you in in high school? Have you always dreamed of
living in the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!
PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot ? How about four more
years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does
the concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!
CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in
jumping off high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future
hotel managers? Do you like bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the
chance to stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO CORNELL --
The Big Red Tape!!!
DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away
from stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to
drink some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what's your feeling
on drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!
M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to be? Do you
hate doing anything that doesn't involve math? That's right, math! Math
math math math and more math! COME TO M.I.T.!!! PLEASE !!!
BOSTON COLLEGE: If you haven't figured out how to invent the wheel
(but have discovered fire and fire-sticks), don't know your ass from your
elbows (but do know genetic plant structures and genetic recombination
enough to produce 24 variants of 'da weed' with a garden weasel and a
piece of Egyptian chewing gum preserved for 2000 years, enjoy the
advantages of indecision (hence being in Boston, but not really), and
enjoyed Student Council so much that you NEED TO LIVE IT AGAIN, COME TO
BC!!!
SYRACUSE: Hey kids, do you like it when your Chancellor takes all
your money and gives it to a private firm to design a new logo and mascot
because yours isn't selling well? Are athletics the only thing that
matters to you? Do you believe in money first, students last? Is your idea
of a good time learning about the History of the salt trade and the Erie
canal? THEN COME TO SYRACUSE!!!
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1
A Modest Essay
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW
YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU
HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays,
after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I
don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have
been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do
sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully
negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The
laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
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2
At a U.N. meeting the American ambassador turned to the Japanese
ambassador and whispered, "When was your last election?" The Japanese
ambassador turned bright red and whispered back, "before bleakfast."
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3
After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As
she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head
and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern
warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old
say with a trembling voice, "Who was *that*?"
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4
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's
special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. The chicken sounds good,
I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. And the vegetable?"
he asks. Oh, He'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
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5
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