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LONGEST TURD The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2 in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
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MOST HORRIBLE DRINK The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghan tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm 'very recently attained' bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
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WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- Earlier this week, the National Institute of Mental Health released the results of their research into the sudden increase of primary-school shootings. NIMH researcher Eli Zleicherugg blames it all on a set of common childhood songs. "The worst is 'Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to school we go, with razor blades and hand grenades,'" Zleicherugg said at a press conference Wednesday. "Not only does it lend an almost picnic tone to the concept of school violence, but at a deeper psychological level, it bonds the idea of mass destruction to Walt Disney's 'Snow White.'" Zleicherugg claims the problem is nationwide. "You can go into any sixth grade in the country, start singing 'Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school,' and watch the little yardapes twitch. I'm not saying that these kids are primed to explode," he added. "But if I were a teacher, I wouldn't delay in getting that concealed-carry permit." In a related story, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is investigating allegations that a rise in animal abuse is directly related to the "Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts" song.
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