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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"
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1
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member". After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."
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2
Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flower decoration of the altar. The catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest. The protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy at another Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small." But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!! Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains the contract. On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderful roses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last reservations are discarded. When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificent flower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription: "Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."
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3
One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. Abe replied, "Go to the theater."
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4
Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar. "Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and put it on my tab." When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile. A moment later he's at her side. "That was very kind of you," she says. "Won't you sit down?" After a few minutes of small talk, she says, "Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man, but I don't think you realize that I'm a professional. I'd be delighted to go upstairs with you for a hundred dollars. If that's not what you had in mind, I certainly understand, and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings." "I'm surprised," says Berkowitz. "But you're a beautiful lady, and I like you, too. I've never done something like this before, but sure, let's go upstairs." When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says, "I was wondering. There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish." "Well, I am," she replies a little defensively. "Why do you ask?" "Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz. "And since we're both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount." "Dammit," she replies, "I was afraid this would happen. Okay, twenty percent off. But I want you to know, at these prices I'm not making any profit!"
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5
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